Wednesday, December 03, 2008
Heh
Just noted that every other post on this page says what my last post does, in one form or another. See. Broken record.
Broken Record
Ok, so I haven't updated this blog in over half a year. Ah well. Nothings changed. I'm going around in circles. Its stupid really.
See I don't have any close friends. I have people I get on with at Mettle/Refresh and enjoy chatting with them and stuff, but I don't have people I meet up with outside of that. Like, ever. But though the last few years there has at any one time, been one person I talk to. This person has changed roughly once a year because of circumstances. Now you'd think I'd keep in touch with these people and still be friends with them. But honestly, it doesn't happen. They never keep in touch with me, and so I feel like I'm the only one making the effort, and really, they don't want me too. So I end up hardly talking with them.
Now, my latest 'support person' shall we say, is out of my life, for once, through no fault of either of ours, and not because we don't still get on great. She's someone who's helped me a lot in the past 6 or 7 months, and someone who I got on really, really well with. And honestly, she's the only person I've been able to talk to about a lot of stuff.
Now basically it leaves me wondering, yet again, what now? Who can I talk with now? Who can I go to when I'm really struggling and I need someone to talk things out with to stop me going crazy? Or just listen? What the hell do I do to stop feeling so damn lonely.
See. Broken record. I've written (or at least thought) this same thing (more of less) many times before over the past few years. But here I am yet again. My whole friggin life is a broken record.
See I don't have any close friends. I have people I get on with at Mettle/Refresh and enjoy chatting with them and stuff, but I don't have people I meet up with outside of that. Like, ever. But though the last few years there has at any one time, been one person I talk to. This person has changed roughly once a year because of circumstances. Now you'd think I'd keep in touch with these people and still be friends with them. But honestly, it doesn't happen. They never keep in touch with me, and so I feel like I'm the only one making the effort, and really, they don't want me too. So I end up hardly talking with them.
Now, my latest 'support person' shall we say, is out of my life, for once, through no fault of either of ours, and not because we don't still get on great. She's someone who's helped me a lot in the past 6 or 7 months, and someone who I got on really, really well with. And honestly, she's the only person I've been able to talk to about a lot of stuff.
Now basically it leaves me wondering, yet again, what now? Who can I talk with now? Who can I go to when I'm really struggling and I need someone to talk things out with to stop me going crazy? Or just listen? What the hell do I do to stop feeling so damn lonely.
See. Broken record. I've written (or at least thought) this same thing (more of less) many times before over the past few years. But here I am yet again. My whole friggin life is a broken record.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Changes
Been a while since I posted on here, and the last time I did I was in full meltdown. Things have been very up and (mostly) down since my ME relapsed last year.
Around my birthday a month ago I was really struggling, and I spent a lot of time on my actual birthday in tears. Having ME can be incredably lonely. And thats what I was struggling with, amongst other things. I didn't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with but my family. I would have loved to have just been able to Facebook people and say 'drinks at the Beaufort for my birthday' but I honestly don't know who would have actually turned up, made an effort. So I didn't. Couldn't risk no one coming. That would have been worse. And probable. So instead I sat alone it tears. I had to get out of the house, so I had lunch at the coffee shop and worked on my Heartland fanfic a bit. But then Ant came over and wished me happy birthday and asked if I was doing anything special, I said nope, nothing. He replied 'just hanging, thats cool' and I had to get out of there. Because that was the last thing I wanted to do and I was in tears by the time I arrived at the car. Not his fault at all, just bad timing!
A few days after my birthday I started horse riding again. Which is awesome!! I'm so happy to be riding again and I love the center and the people where I am now, they're all so nice. Riding again is a massive help, it makes me feel so much better and gives me something to look forward to.
A couple months ago there was an artical in the paper saying that the college where I was going to go to study horse care part time is stopping all its horse care courses. So there went that plan. I wasn't going to start until Sept 09 but its still a massive blow as there isn't another college for miles and miles that offers the course.
Its odd cause everywhere around me people are moving on, going to Uni, or working and doing all this stuff, and I'm just stuck. I can't do any of it, not anymore, and so I'm stuck.
But I was still coping, just, cause I had riding, and I had Refresh and Mettle Sunday. So I thought, its fine, I'll have them all through the next year, so I've got time with something constant to do, something thats gonna be there for a while. But now it isn't. Now Refresh and Mettle may very well not be around, so now I'm really lost. Because unlike all these people around me working and studying, I'm not capable of doing anything like that.
So once again I'm stuck. Standing still while everything around me is moving and I just don't know what to do.
Around my birthday a month ago I was really struggling, and I spent a lot of time on my actual birthday in tears. Having ME can be incredably lonely. And thats what I was struggling with, amongst other things. I didn't have anyone to celebrate my birthday with but my family. I would have loved to have just been able to Facebook people and say 'drinks at the Beaufort for my birthday' but I honestly don't know who would have actually turned up, made an effort. So I didn't. Couldn't risk no one coming. That would have been worse. And probable. So instead I sat alone it tears. I had to get out of the house, so I had lunch at the coffee shop and worked on my Heartland fanfic a bit. But then Ant came over and wished me happy birthday and asked if I was doing anything special, I said nope, nothing. He replied 'just hanging, thats cool' and I had to get out of there. Because that was the last thing I wanted to do and I was in tears by the time I arrived at the car. Not his fault at all, just bad timing!
A few days after my birthday I started horse riding again. Which is awesome!! I'm so happy to be riding again and I love the center and the people where I am now, they're all so nice. Riding again is a massive help, it makes me feel so much better and gives me something to look forward to.
A couple months ago there was an artical in the paper saying that the college where I was going to go to study horse care part time is stopping all its horse care courses. So there went that plan. I wasn't going to start until Sept 09 but its still a massive blow as there isn't another college for miles and miles that offers the course.
Its odd cause everywhere around me people are moving on, going to Uni, or working and doing all this stuff, and I'm just stuck. I can't do any of it, not anymore, and so I'm stuck.
But I was still coping, just, cause I had riding, and I had Refresh and Mettle Sunday. So I thought, its fine, I'll have them all through the next year, so I've got time with something constant to do, something thats gonna be there for a while. But now it isn't. Now Refresh and Mettle may very well not be around, so now I'm really lost. Because unlike all these people around me working and studying, I'm not capable of doing anything like that.
So once again I'm stuck. Standing still while everything around me is moving and I just don't know what to do.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Where to Go?
I really struggled at Mettle Sunday tonight. It was a very hard subject for me to deal with, particularly at the moment. When I left I collapsed in to floods of tears the second I was it the car. I'm still in tears now well over an hour later.
I really miss being a member of StMikesYouth because suddenly I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't really have freinds outside of Mettle, just 1 and I don't see her very often at all, we aren't that close any more. So if I had problems and I needed someone to talk to, I'd talk to one of the leaders, Last year that wsa Liz, the year before it was Ant, they talked with me cause its part of their job. Now I'm a leader, I can't do that. So suddenly I find myself wondering who the hell I can talk to? I mean, I talk with people at Mettle at Refresh and on Sunday's, and I consider those peole friends, but thats the only time I see them. I don't meet up with anyone out side of that. So mostly, I talk with them about whats going on with them, or rather listen as they talk with other people, or talk with them about what things they like and don't like and stuff. So often I find myself at Mettle or Refresh just sat or stood there with people while this conversation is going on around me but I have nothing to contribute and I feel so out of place I can't discribe it. Like I'm intruding on a private conversation. And I hate it!!!
But I don't really have anything else I can do, I don't have an escape now that I can't ride. And I don't have anyone else I can go to to talk to about whats going on in my life. Like how much I'm stuggling right now. There is so much going through my head and I don't know what to do about it. I really, really need someoone to listen and talk with me about it, but I don't have anyone to ask.
I feel like I don't do a thing to help the team at Mettle Sunday most of the time and I sometimes think that there must be someone out there who would be much better to do the job than I am!! Don't get me wrong, I like Mettle Sunday, a lot, I love the idea of if and how it works and despite being really hard topics at times, I think its really great. I just don't think I really give anything as a leader most of the time. Heck, until I started being behind the counter at Refresh, I didn't really feel like I was doing much there either.
But I di want to be there!! So badly!! I thought before starting as a leader that I'd like it, but I discovered instead that I love doing this. On the moments where I know that I'm helping someone, where I know I've been an asset to the team I love it!! I actually have a passion for being good at this, for being able to work with some of these kids, but most of the time I think I'm almost a hinderance rather than a help. I just don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time and I stand around like an idiot and wonder why I was ever asked to help in the first place.
I just need someone to talk to. I don't think anyones realised just how hard I've found the last 6 months. And its cause I don't have anyone to talk to about it. How could anyone know?
Where do I go though? Who can I talk to?
I just don't know.
I really miss being a member of StMikesYouth because suddenly I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't really have freinds outside of Mettle, just 1 and I don't see her very often at all, we aren't that close any more. So if I had problems and I needed someone to talk to, I'd talk to one of the leaders, Last year that wsa Liz, the year before it was Ant, they talked with me cause its part of their job. Now I'm a leader, I can't do that. So suddenly I find myself wondering who the hell I can talk to? I mean, I talk with people at Mettle at Refresh and on Sunday's, and I consider those peole friends, but thats the only time I see them. I don't meet up with anyone out side of that. So mostly, I talk with them about whats going on with them, or rather listen as they talk with other people, or talk with them about what things they like and don't like and stuff. So often I find myself at Mettle or Refresh just sat or stood there with people while this conversation is going on around me but I have nothing to contribute and I feel so out of place I can't discribe it. Like I'm intruding on a private conversation. And I hate it!!!
But I don't really have anything else I can do, I don't have an escape now that I can't ride. And I don't have anyone else I can go to to talk to about whats going on in my life. Like how much I'm stuggling right now. There is so much going through my head and I don't know what to do about it. I really, really need someoone to listen and talk with me about it, but I don't have anyone to ask.
I feel like I don't do a thing to help the team at Mettle Sunday most of the time and I sometimes think that there must be someone out there who would be much better to do the job than I am!! Don't get me wrong, I like Mettle Sunday, a lot, I love the idea of if and how it works and despite being really hard topics at times, I think its really great. I just don't think I really give anything as a leader most of the time. Heck, until I started being behind the counter at Refresh, I didn't really feel like I was doing much there either.
But I di want to be there!! So badly!! I thought before starting as a leader that I'd like it, but I discovered instead that I love doing this. On the moments where I know that I'm helping someone, where I know I've been an asset to the team I love it!! I actually have a passion for being good at this, for being able to work with some of these kids, but most of the time I think I'm almost a hinderance rather than a help. I just don't know what I'm doing a lot of the time and I stand around like an idiot and wonder why I was ever asked to help in the first place.
I just need someone to talk to. I don't think anyones realised just how hard I've found the last 6 months. And its cause I don't have anyone to talk to about it. How could anyone know?
Where do I go though? Who can I talk to?
I just don't know.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Sad, Happy, Mad and Everything Inbetween
Been one of those days. I've gone through a massive amount of different emotions today, and found myself wondering why. And then realised its the same as always. No one to talk to. No outlet. I've been struggling so much since August having had this major realapse of the M.E. and I've had no one to talk to about it. I've bottled it all and now its over flowing.
I'm actually pretty used to not having anyone to talk to and I've coped, just, with it. But then I could ride. Horses chill me out completely, they make me remember that not everything is bad. I don't have that now, so I'm really struggling. Not really sure what I can do either.
I'm actually pretty used to not having anyone to talk to and I've coped, just, with it. But then I could ride. Horses chill me out completely, they make me remember that not everything is bad. I don't have that now, so I'm really struggling. Not really sure what I can do either.
Monday, January 07, 2008
Hmm....
Thinking. Can be bad. Can be good. Can just be a waste of time.
Not really sure what I'm thinking anymore.
Thoughts are jumping from one thing to the next in a second. Its driving me mad to be honest. I can't concentrate on anything. And I can't relax. And I can't process everything I'm thinking either. Which is just leaving me confused!
Not really sure what I'm thinking anymore.
Thoughts are jumping from one thing to the next in a second. Its driving me mad to be honest. I can't concentrate on anything. And I can't relax. And I can't process everything I'm thinking either. Which is just leaving me confused!
Monday, December 31, 2007
Doing it again!!
Hehe, well, sort of anyway!
Yes I'm blogging at stupid hours again (4am) and yes normally this would be a really bad idea. And yes I would much rather be in bed now! But for some reason I'm not, can't figure out why, just haven't gone to bed! lol.
I am struggling with a lot right now. But I figured out part of what is causing it. Well, maybe not causing it, but certainly not helping!! I don't have a clue how I can change it though. But I'm praying about it, and doing my very best to trust that God has a plan, and that it will all work out. I'm just giving it time and, oddly, not worrying about it too much, which for those of you who know me, is something cause I'm a bit of a worrier!!
Not really sure what it all means. But...well, we'll see I guess. Time will tell.
Yes I'm blogging at stupid hours again (4am) and yes normally this would be a really bad idea. And yes I would much rather be in bed now! But for some reason I'm not, can't figure out why, just haven't gone to bed! lol.
I am struggling with a lot right now. But I figured out part of what is causing it. Well, maybe not causing it, but certainly not helping!! I don't have a clue how I can change it though. But I'm praying about it, and doing my very best to trust that God has a plan, and that it will all work out. I'm just giving it time and, oddly, not worrying about it too much, which for those of you who know me, is something cause I'm a bit of a worrier!!
Not really sure what it all means. But...well, we'll see I guess. Time will tell.
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Lost in a World of Turmoil
See, this is why one shouldn't blog at almost 3am, you end up sad and thinking about stuff and feeling more frustrated then before!
Blogging is not a release or an outlet for pain, it is me continuing to bottle it and it getting closer and closer to the surface. Last time I blogged (as in before this morning!) I basically spent that whole weekend in tears think about that stuff. And it hasn't gone anywhere.
So why am I surprised that its getting to me again now?
I went for drinks with Sarah the other night, had a laugh, met her boyfriend and some of their mates, had a good time. I saw what I want and don't have. And thats why this stuff I've been trying so hard to avoid is spilling over again.
Arrgg!!! But I may hurt certain people talking about it on here cause its kinda hard to explain. But part of me is wondering if I would, if those people I think I may hurt care enough to be hurt. Which is sort of part of the problem.
Making sense? I think not.
Really shouldn't blog this late at night, I don't like going to bed in tears.
Blogging is not a release or an outlet for pain, it is me continuing to bottle it and it getting closer and closer to the surface. Last time I blogged (as in before this morning!) I basically spent that whole weekend in tears think about that stuff. And it hasn't gone anywhere.
So why am I surprised that its getting to me again now?
I went for drinks with Sarah the other night, had a laugh, met her boyfriend and some of their mates, had a good time. I saw what I want and don't have. And thats why this stuff I've been trying so hard to avoid is spilling over again.
Arrgg!!! But I may hurt certain people talking about it on here cause its kinda hard to explain. But part of me is wondering if I would, if those people I think I may hurt care enough to be hurt. Which is sort of part of the problem.
Making sense? I think not.
Really shouldn't blog this late at night, I don't like going to bed in tears.
Lazy Late Night Blogger
Been a while since I updated this, and once again it is late at night. Never mind.
Haven't really done much of late except watching season 3 of NCIS which I got from my parents for Christmas and season 4 of CSI which I also got. I have since bought Season 5 of CSI and 2 of NCIS (yep going backwards with that one, don't have season 1 yet!).
I went out on Christmas Eve with a really good friend who I haven't spent nearly enough time with this year. But it was really good!! We had a good time, despite scary drunks, and its kind of a bonus for us to be able to go out to a packed pub just the two of us and have a good time. Those if you who know me well will know I used to (and still do on occation) really have being in a crowded and loud place, like a packed pub, and that it would make me very tense and worried and get very close to panic attacks at times. And my friend was the same. But now? Not a problem! We can do these things that 3 years or so ago we thought impossible. But they aren't, they're good fun now!! Its really nice to go out with her cause she really understands how much of a struggle something like that used to be and how far we've both come.
I've been trying not to think too hard lately, about stuff thats been bothering me. The stuff I've talked about in my last couple posts. That stuff is still a big issue, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so I'm trying to bury it cause otherwise I just end up really upset. I'm just trying to chill out and forget about it. Yes its an issue, but there isn't anything I can do about it, so may as well forget it, well, bury it.
I still haven't been able to ride or be around horses so I'm still going crazy cause of that too. I was at Olympia last Friday which was very cool and helped a little. Watching some of the worlds best show jumpers up close was very cool!! I had a really good day out there with my mum and I've really grateful to her for taking me. But it isn't enough. I just want to be able to actually touch a horse again! Just to be able to stand around with them and stroke them for a while would be great! I can live without riding, but I can't live without horses.
Damn, this blog was not supposed to get sad or deep or depressing.
Shit! I'm doing it again!! Online!!!! Going on and on about the same fucking problems and I don't know why!!!! Why the hell am I such a screwup? I just want to scream!!
Haven't really done much of late except watching season 3 of NCIS which I got from my parents for Christmas and season 4 of CSI which I also got. I have since bought Season 5 of CSI and 2 of NCIS (yep going backwards with that one, don't have season 1 yet!).
I went out on Christmas Eve with a really good friend who I haven't spent nearly enough time with this year. But it was really good!! We had a good time, despite scary drunks, and its kind of a bonus for us to be able to go out to a packed pub just the two of us and have a good time. Those if you who know me well will know I used to (and still do on occation) really have being in a crowded and loud place, like a packed pub, and that it would make me very tense and worried and get very close to panic attacks at times. And my friend was the same. But now? Not a problem! We can do these things that 3 years or so ago we thought impossible. But they aren't, they're good fun now!! Its really nice to go out with her cause she really understands how much of a struggle something like that used to be and how far we've both come.
I've been trying not to think too hard lately, about stuff thats been bothering me. The stuff I've talked about in my last couple posts. That stuff is still a big issue, but I don't really have anyone to talk to about it so I'm trying to bury it cause otherwise I just end up really upset. I'm just trying to chill out and forget about it. Yes its an issue, but there isn't anything I can do about it, so may as well forget it, well, bury it.
I still haven't been able to ride or be around horses so I'm still going crazy cause of that too. I was at Olympia last Friday which was very cool and helped a little. Watching some of the worlds best show jumpers up close was very cool!! I had a really good day out there with my mum and I've really grateful to her for taking me. But it isn't enough. I just want to be able to actually touch a horse again! Just to be able to stand around with them and stroke them for a while would be great! I can live without riding, but I can't live without horses.
Damn, this blog was not supposed to get sad or deep or depressing.
Shit! I'm doing it again!! Online!!!! Going on and on about the same fucking problems and I don't know why!!!! Why the hell am I such a screwup? I just want to scream!!
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